Return to joy

Lying on the cool grass, running around playing with a glowing frisbee in the dark, learning to swing two burning orange snakes (and whacking myself lots!), feeling love without remorse and breathing in what tastes like a bonfire and doesn't seem to have much effect. Oh yes and the seven hour old burger.
I'm writing this now because I'm happy. And this is important because the end of exams has only made me more likely to burst into tears at any moment. At some point I may burden you with this, or I may not.
I must remember the good times I'm having right now - that's important. Pimms and punting with Matt and Maya and in the end without John. Formal with my family. Films. Other things that alliterate. I'm having a good time - ok? Ok.
Why does love always hurt?
But I do. I love them all and this all and all that I've lost and am living and am losing and it's so worth it.

Things going along

Work is pretty much going great. I say great coz even one 7 hour day is an amazing achievement for me (and numerous 6 hour ones are excellent!) and I have it all planned out and I have motivation and I have confidence that I can do it.
So I should be pretty happy at the moment, right?
I thought I was. So why do things keep getting me down?
Silly things people do make me upset and I don't know why. We're still hanging out in the evenings some, and there's work/library-bonding to some extent, but I somehow feel more lonely than I did over the whole of Easter when there was no-one here.
I think I'm being melodramatic. A few little arguments, that's all. It's just I'm having trouble getting over a sudden feeling of mopeyness coz none of them quite got resolved. Because I was being oversensitive and there was nothing to resolve!
So. Work. Watch. Eat. Sleep.
Sgood.
Maybe this'll all be better once these project deadlines are outta the way. Oh wait - no, then there's the E word, it must have slipped my mind! And then there's fun, but then after fun there's always next year. Damnit - have to enjoy mayweek. Absolutely must. But try and keep things up now too.
Oh god emotional rants. And cryptic ones at that. Why didn't I write this in my diary? I should know. Damnit. This is all screwey.
However luckily none of it matters so it's all good. Good!

I want to jump.

Yay new song! I went to the piano room the other day (due to boredom and waster-day-ness) and ended up staying for 2 and a half hours and randomly writing a song - woo! It ain't that hard once you have a line.

One day I'll jump

I sit. I watch. I wonder why.
I stare into a square of sky.
And when I'm gazing out the window on the brink,
Sometimes I get this feeling, suddenly I think

I want to jump!
Just to see if I could fly
I want to leap!
Even though we're two floors high.
and if I fell, well then I'd know,
But if I soared, think where I could go!

Fly away from here,
Straight into the clear blue sky.
No looking back, on where I've been,
No peeling walls to hold me in.

I wait. Each day, the same, each night.
I wonder if one day, I might...
And when I'm standing at the window wanting more,
Sometimes I wonder, What am I waiting for?

I want to jump! Just to see if I could fly,
I want to jump right out this window, right into that patch of sky.
I want to go, into the blue, into the night,
and then I'll know - what wonders lie just out of sight,

One day I'll jump! Just because I have to know,
One day I'll jump. 'Coz there's no other way to go.
But until then, I'll be OK,
'coz I know anytime I want to
I can fly away!

Fly away from here.
Fly into the clear blue sky.

One day I'll fly.

Tulip has been sitting eating loudly during this conversation, occasionally rolling her eyes.

“Your dear brother died but of course you’re perfectly happy!” she suddenly growled viciously at her meat, “You only bury your anger because you know you’re helpless. You still want revenge, somewhere in there, or you wouldn’t be here.”

Beln looked at her, alarmed at her mood but determined to stand up for himself. “I’m not angry,” he said with forced calm, “I wish it hadn’t happened but there’s no…you can’t be angry at war.”

“And would you feel like that if there was someone to blame?” Suddenly she was glaring at him her voice raised. “What if you could look someone in the eye and know that they were responsible for his death. What if I stood in front of you and told you – I killed your brother.”

Beln didn’t flinch but he was clenching his fists. “It’s no-one’s fault.”

Tulip leant in. “I joined up when I was 16. I lied about my age. I was thin, weak and we had no time to train properly. We lasted about four months in the hills until one night they ambushed us while we were sleeping. It was my watch but I was turned towards the fire, so I couldn’t see them coming in the dark.” Neither of them blinked. Beln was stony faced, Tulip seemed almost eager. “Then, when I realised they were there, my gun was out of reach and I couldn’t get a proper hold of it, and I tried to yell out but I couldn’t defend myself properly and they knocked me down easily.” She sounded scornful now, as if she were describing someone else. “It was so easy that only one person was killed that night. But not one of them survived the camp they took us to. Over 6 months, every one of those15 men and women was murdered.”

Beln shifted slightly and looked away. “So? What would you say, boy?” Tulip challenged. Beln glanced at Tom sitting opposite him but he was watching Tulip and offered no support. “What would you say if I sat here and told you that your brother was one of those 15…”

“He wasn’t!” Beln exploded.

Tulip’s gaze never wavered. Slowly, carefully, she continued “I killed your brother…”

“You’re lying!” Beln shouted.

“You don’t know that!” Tulip shouted back.

Beln sat back in his seat breathing heavily glaring at her expectant half-triumphant expression until he had to look away. Then suddenly he stopped and looked slowly back up at her. “What was his name?” he said quietly. Tulip frowned slightly, questioningly, but Beln didn’t repeat it, just sat looking at her. Expectation crackled. Tulip opened her mouth…then closed it again and looked away. Beln let out a breath. Then he stood up slowly and walked out of the door.

Tulip finally met Tom’s gaze with a half smile then sat back and returned to her food without a word.

Dust

I'm allergic to my home.
This sucks.

Summer Sun

Over the last few days the weather has changed and it suddenly feels like summer. It's at once beautiful and cruel. Looking out over the paddock in the sun, standing at a window or sitting on the grass talking to friends, it's like a promise of summer that you know will be broken. Not because it'll rain tomorrow, or be cold later, but because summer doesn't really begin until after exams. And this weather just fills my mind with thoughts of the lazy days of may week - the only time when you can feel truly free. Which is why it's cruel - because this isn't the end it's just the beginning.
Work. Revision. Exams.
What a lot to look forward to!

My motto remains the same - and I would recommend this to anyone at any point in the Cambridge year: Live For Mayweek.

I feel the need to once again include one of my favourite quotes, from the incredible Tom Baker, while punting down the Cam:

"I love the spring. All the trees, the colours..."
"It's October"
"I thought you said we were coming here for Mayweek?"
"I did. Mayweek's in June"

And finally I'd just like to say: Ha! Oxford suckers!

Marmalade skies

The world actually did go orange today. I think it may be a sign.
Some people claim it was actually pink, but the gravel and yellow stone of Downing were glowing orange at me. When I looked up from my computer I was somewhat worried that I had been staring at the screen too long! It was beautiful though - I stuck my head out of the window and just absorbed it all. This college just keeps on growing on me. :)